"S-SOMETHING'S not good in our car," Kalmado ngunit nanginginig na wika ng aking ama.
"What? W-What do you mean, m-mahal?" Hindi sumagot si daddy sa tanong na 'yon ni mommy, bagkos ay tumingin siya sa akin sandali bago binalik ang atensyon sa daan.
I also wanted to give him a question but I remain silent. I want to make a sound but choose to shut my mouth up. Hearing those words from my dad, his sudden change of mood, I guess this is not the right time to talk.
I'm not d*mb nor st*pid to not understand what my dad meant by those words. I'm not a kid anymore to not read his panic emotion.
There is something wrong about our car that — I know — is a serious matter.
My dad doesn't want to voice it out because he doesn't want us — me and my mom — to be afraid off. He was protecting us to not feel scared at this moment.
And right before dad could say something again, our car was already out of his control anymore. From a smooth ride to wild. Our car went from calm to go berserk.
That's when mom's panicked voice echoed inside every corner of our car. She was shouting in confusion, scared and panicked. Mom kept on asking my dad the same question, "What happened, mahal?" is the only word that kept coming out from my mom's mouth.
I also want to shout. I also want to panic but I can't say a word anymore. I tried to calm myself but I could feel my whole body's shaking. My breathing now became deep. All I could do at this moment was to think of a way for us to escape from this uncontrolled car.
"I-I can't c-control our car!" Dad shouted, "Malia, put your seatbelt on!"
I did what my dad said. I put the seat belt around my body to protect it if something bad might come — that I wish will never happen.
At napahinga ako ng maluwag ng biglang bumagal ang takbo ng sasakyan namin. My parents do the same thing, they let out a heavy sigh in relief.
But our hopes suddenly crushed out. Dahil nang sandaling tapakan ni daddy ang break ng sasakyan, imbis na huminto ay bumalik ito sa pagwawala. Mahigpit akong napahawak sa seat belt nang muntikan nang bumulusok ang aking katawan sa harap.
Mom tried to grabbed me using her left hand, and I do the same. Using my free hand, inabot ko ang kamay ni mommy at hinawakan ito ng mahigpit.
Mom looked at me apologetically, "I-I'm sorry, honey..."
Before I could say something ay namalayan ko na lang ang pagyakap ni mommy sa akin sa kaliwang bahagi ng aking katawan. Gulat akong napatingin sa biglaan niyang paggalaw. I tried to unbuckled this annoying seat belt but mom stopped me. She stopped my hand before I could do a bad decision.
Hindi ko na namalayan ang pagpatak ng aking mga luha. The dark surrounding outside the window of our car became blurry. From the fast speed of the car with the mix of my tears, my eyes can't see a thing anymore.
Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak habang dinadama ang magaan ngunit mahigpit na yakap ng aking ina. Somehow, my mom's warm hugs has the power to calm my crazy nerves. I closed my eyes as I rested my head to her chest.
Hindi nagtagal ay nararamdaman ko na rin ang presensya ng aking ama, nakayakap na rin sa amin ni mommy. Kaya ang naging posisyon namin ay, nasa gitna si mommy, ako naman ay nasa kanyang kanang bahagi, habang nasa kanyang kaliwa naman si daddy. Mom was trying to protect me while dad was trying to protect mom and I from something bad that might happen.
"I love you, my ladies," Dad kept uttering the same word.
"Mahal na mahal ko kayong dalawa," It was mom, she was doing the same like dad.
I smiled, "I love you both, mom and dad," Humihikbi kong pahayag sa kanilang dalawa.
Nasa ganoon lang kaming posisyon at hindi na pinapansin ang pagwawala ng sasakyan namin. Hindi namin alam kung ano pa ang susunod na mangyayari sa aming tatlo rito sa loob ng sasakyan. Hindi namin alam ang paparating na delobyo habang patuloy pa rin sa pagwawala ang sasakyan namin.
Pero alam ko, alam ng mga magulang ko ang huli naming gagawin at iyon ay ang hindi sayangin ang nalalabi naming oras na magkasama. My father's hug became tighter and tighter. He was as if telling us that he's ready to die just to protect me and my mom. I closed my eyes.
And the moment I opened my eyes again, the first thing my sight landed on was the repaired high bridge. All the things that was being used scattered around the corner. Ang kaninang takot na nararamdaman ay mas lumala pa nang mahagip ng mga mata ko ang mga matutulis na bakal na hindi pa nababalot ng semento. May mga nakatayo at may mga nakahiga. In this case, our situation became worse.
Hindi ko mapigilang mahilo nang bigla na lang umiikot-ikot ang sasakyan namin nang may maraanan itong madulas na parte ng daan. Mas malala, mas pabilis ng pabilis at wala na itong tigil sa pagwawala.
Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso ng may isang nakakasilaw na ilaw mula sa isa pang sasakyan ang patungo sa aming direksyon. I hardly closed my eyes as my body was shaking in fear.
And before I could feel the numbness of my body, I first felt the warm embrace of my parents.
Agad akong napabangon mula sa hindi kahimbingang tulog. I clutched my heart while chasing my deep breathing. It was so hard to breathe... I can't breathe properly...
Habang tinutulungan ang nanginginig na sarili ay wala naman akong tigil sa pag pindot ng aking ring button. I keep on pressing it, calling for my new butler but a few minutes have passed, no one came in into my room. Even a single shadow was nowhere to be seen.
I shouldn't have been dreaming about that 'accident'. I shouldn't have a nightmare. My sleep should have been peaceful. If my memory is not playing tricks with me, alam kong hindi ko nakalimutan uminom ng sleeping pills ko kagabi.
Wala sa sariling nakapa ko ang bedside table ko. My sleeping pills wasn't here! The only thing that was always there for me every time I needed someone wasn't at its original place. Mas lalong nanginig ang buo kong kalamnan.
Wala na akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang yakapin na lang ang mga tuhod ko. Hinayaan kong matumba ang aking katawan at patagilid na humiga, nakabaluktot na. I was trying so hard not to make a sound but my traitor mouth betrayed me. Ang kaninang mahihina kong paghikbi ay palakas na nang palakas ngayon.
For the past four years being alone every night in this lonely room, I’m already used to comforting myself on my own. The only thing I could cope up with that bad memory is to cry my eyes content that only lasts for just one night. And as another night comes, another comforting thing will happen. That's how my life became when my parents gone.
I still remember how I got lost in the hospital when I found out the news that they were gone. Sleeping for almost a year only to find out that I have no parents to go home to. Those days were one of the ones I didn’t want to go back to. I don't want to hear that news again. It was one of the worst news that I would never want to hear again until my very last breath.
Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong umiyak nang umiyak habang yakap-yakap ang sarili. Basta nagising na lang ako kinabukasan na may namumugtong mga mata at sobrang tuyong lalamunan na kapag nagsalita ako ay makakaramdam ako ng sakit.
I unconsciously glance at my bedside table where my ring button is. I badly want to press it to call my new butler but I held myself for doing so. Ano pa ang silbi ng paghingi ng tulong sa kanya kung hindi naman siya tutugon? He was like one of those other butlers na nauna sa kanya.
Every time I need them, they're nowhere to be found. Ang habol lang naman nila sa akin ay pera. Hindi na lang din ako nagsusumbong sa tita ko — my mom's younger sister, the old lady I was with — dahil hindi naman ako nito paniniwalaan. She always said that, "Don't fool me, young lady! Alam ko kung gaano mo kaayaw ang magkaroon ng sarili mong butler!". Because what's the used of it, anyway? They're all just laughed at me for being miserable. For being still stuck in the past.
They didn't know my pain. They didn't understand my suffering. That's why I hate having people around me. I hate having people sticking their presence on me.
Kaya ang ginagawa ko ay ako na naghahanap ng maaari nilang dahilan para tuluyang umalis sa pamamahay ko. Kung kailangan kong gumawa ng bagay na ikakasakit nila physically ay gagawin ko, lubayan lang nila ako. I hate it when people was only concerned of you because of your money.
Kahit nahihirapang tumayo ay ginawa ko parin. Umalis ako sa sarili kong kama para kumuha ng tubig sa aking mini ref na 'di kalayuan sa akin, ngunit bago pa man ako makaka-isang hakbang ay natumba agad ako dahilan para muntik na akong masubsob sa sahid.
I frustratedly punch my weak knee. This situation of mine is so exhausting. It's not like I can't walk anymore, it's just that I don't wanna walk anymore. Because what's the point of walking again, what's the point of standing again if there's no reason for me to do so?
Yes, I can't walk but I still can crawl!
Kahit mahirap at masakit sa balakang ay ginapanang ko pa rin ang direksyon kung nasaan ang mini ref ko. Uhaw na uhaw na ako at wala na akong oras para iyakan ang aking pagiging miserable. Ngunit bago pa man ako maka-kalahati, ay biglang bumukas ang aking pintuan.
Wala sa sariling tinapunan ko nang tingin ang bago kong butler. How dare he came in without even knocking on the door!
"Leave!" I shouted when he was about to close my bedroom door.
Hindi siya nakinig sa akin at tuluyang isinarado ang pintuan. Mas lalong sumama ang timpla ng aking nararamdaman nang prente siyang humakbang patungo sa nakahandusay kong katawan. Nang akma niya akong hawakan ay mabilis at malakas kong tinampal ang kanyang mga kamay.
How dare those filthy hands want to touch me!
"I said leave! Are you deaf?!" I angerly asked, "Or you're just too d*mb to understand even a simple word?!"
He didn't mind my insults to him. Instead, he tried again to touch me and for the second time I slapped his hands again.
I heard him let out a deep sigh because of my bad treatment towards him. I felt insulted.
Bago pa man ako makapag-protesta ulit ay namalayan ko na lang ang aking sarili na nakaangat na sa ere. This man is way too fast for me to even notice his moves. Marahan niya akong inilapag sa aking kama. Nang masiguradong komportable na ako sa aking posisyon ay tinungo na niya ang aking mini ref.
After opening the small thing, he lean a little closer to it and took one of the tumblers there. Wala na akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang pagmasdan ang malaya niyang paggalaw sa aking sariling silid.
Binuksan niya muna ang lalagyan ng tubig bago ito ibinigay sa akin. Nagdadalawang-isip pa ako kung tatanggapin ko ba ito sa kanya ngunit sa huli ay ako lang din ang sumuko. I know that even if I let my pride reign, he still won't stop me. At hindi rin ito ang tamang oras para mag-inarte ako. My dry throat won't let me.
'This will be the first and last time I'll accept help from him.' sabi ko sa aking isipan.
Pagkaubos na pagkaubos ko ng iniinom na tubig ay binalik ko na sa kanya ang tumbler na hindi man lang siya tinapunan ng tingin. Nang maramdaman ko itong kinuha niya mula sa aking kamay ay nagsalita na ako agad.
"You can leave now," Walang emosyon kong utos sa kanya, "And you're fired,"
Katahimikan. 'Yan ang biglang namutawi sa apat na silid ng kwarto. Nang hindi ko man lang naramdaman ang kanyang pag-alis ay doon ko na siya tiningnan. Mas lalo lang nadagdagan ang inis ko sa kaya nang hindi man lang siya gumalaw kahit na isang hakbang.
"Ang sabi ko, tanggal ka na,"
"I'm sorry, madame. Pero hindi ako aalis sa trabaho ko,"
***