Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa comfort room ng girls. Ni hindi ko na nga napagtuunan ng pansin sila Yes at Rico na naghihintay sa 'kin.
I closed the door and went to the sink. I faced the mirror and starts questioning my worth, myself.
Bakit parang ang lupit naman bumawi sa 'kin ng tadhana? Parang pinapamukha niya sa 'kin na hinding-hindi ko talaga mahihigitan si Santi. Hindi ba ako ganoon katalino tulad ni Santi? Bakit hindi man lang nila nakita iyong effort ko?
My sleepless nights that I have spent just to review those subjects came to waste. I sighed as I remembered those nights, iyong pagrereview ko na pinagtutuunan ko ng pansin. Sobra pa akong proud noong sinabi ko sa magulang ko iyon and they're also proud of me.
And si Lolo. Paano ko na lang sasabibin sa kanya na hindi ko maiuuwi ang trophy na sinasabi niya?
Nagulat ako nang marahas na bumukas ang pinto ng comfort room, I washed my face first bago ko hinarap kung sino iyong pumasok. Mabuti na lang chineck ko ang cubicles dito and luckily, walang laman.
“Xim,” Santi called. I pursed my lips into thin line not wanting to let my emotion burst out. Baka isang tawag at lapit niya lang ay sumabog ang galit ko.
Humakbang ito palapit sa 'kin ngunit hindi pa rin ako umaalis sa kinatatayuan ko. Iniiwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at pinunasan ang mukha gamit ang panyo ko. I don't want to talk to him nor face him, it's like he ruined my goal. He's a total hindrance to my success and happiness.
“I'm sorry,” he uttered. Nakatingin lang ako sa repleksiyon naming pareho sa malaking salamin. He's giving me a sad look.
Tsk. Anong magagawa ng sorry niya? Maibabalik ba noon ang desisyon nang mga nakatataas? Hindi naman 'di ba?
“Ximena, talk to me.” He took a step at doo'y nilingon ko na siya. Kunot noo at pilit nilalabanan ang sariling huwag siyang sigawan.
I smirked at him. “What do you want?”
He sighed and shook his head.
“Look, I'm sorry because of the news. I know that you really wanted to compete but—” I cutted him off.
“Pero ayaw nila. I get it, Santi. Just win that culmination and get out,” patuloy ko. I washed my hands at hindi ko na ulit siya kinausap. Silence occured between us. Then I heard him sighed.
“I'm sorry.” Muli ko siyang hinarap at halos magsalubong ang kilay ko nang tignan ko siya.
“Naka-ilang sorry ka na ba? Naiinis na ako Santi, huh!” My eyebrows met as I spat him angrily, hindi na mapigilan ang emosyong nakakubli sa 'kin. Parang any minute ay maiiyak na ako.
“Kada sorry mo ay pinagmumukha nito sa 'kin na hinding-hindi kita kailan man mahihigitan! Ano na lang sasabihin sa 'kin ni Lolo? Na pinaasa siya ng apo niya? Na I'm a disappointment? Na simpleng iyon lang, hindi ko pa magawa?!” I wiped my small tears using the back of my hand as I snapped at him. Hindi ko na talaga napigilan ang emosyon ko at sumabog na, sa harap pa mismo ni Santi.
Great. Just great.
The thought of my Lolo giving me a look of disappointment came crushing to my mind. Alam kong mababaw ang dahilan ko para magdrama nang ganito but if you were in my shoes you would choose to hear compliments rather than insults. You would want to hear claps rather than series of comparison.
Hinila ni Santi ang kanang kamay ko at dinala ako palapit sa kanya. I felt his arms encircled my waist as his other hand starts to rub my back in a soothing way. Doon ako lalong napaiyak.
I whimpered as soft muffles came out of my mouth.
Nanatili ng ilang minuto na ganoon ang puwesto namin. He's hugging and calming my senses. Tumigil na ako sa pag-iyak ngunit may kaunti pa ring sinok ang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Deafening silence was between us.
I didn't know that Santi has an attitude like this. Ang akala ko talent niya lang ang pang-aasar sa 'kin.
A loud bang resonated the room that's why napakalas kami sa isa't-isa at nag-iwasan ng tingin na para bang walang nangyaring yakapan kanina. But wait, I didn't hugged him back!
“Viv!” Halos magkapanabay na tawag ni Yes at Rico. I looked at them and smiled.
“What happened? Bakit nasa C.R ng pambabae iyan?” Takang tanong ni Yes at sinipat pa ng tingin si Santi from head to toe.
Wala naman kaming naisagot pareho. Santi then excused himself. Naiwan naman sa may doorway si Rico at tuluyang pumasok sa banyo si Yesenia.
I heard Rico closed the door.
“Ano bang nangyari? Bigla ka na lang lutang na lumabas ng opisina kanina tapos hindi mo man lang kami pinansin ni Rico paglabas mo.” She hold my hand and examined my face. And for sure she'll notice those dried tears. Napayuko ako, ayaw makasalubong ang tingin niya.
I stayed silent and didn't want to answer her. Baka umiyak na naman ako kapag nagkuwento pa ako at maaalala ko na naman na isa akong disappointment kay Lolo.
“Huy,” she poked my cheeks.
“Hindi ka ba magsasalita? Gusto mo bang sa iba ko pa malaman kung bakit, huh?” With that, I slowly looked at her.
Yesenia's eyes widened as she noticed my teary eyes. She gave me a hug.
“It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready.” She whispered as she rubs her hand at my back. I calmed myself first before I decided to tell her what happened.
I thought her initial reaction would be shocked and will gave me a disappointment look, but no. She didn't gave me any reaction, she just smiled at me reassuringly. Isa si Yes sa saksi sa mga effort ko, sa mga gabing pinuyat ko para lang mag-aral at mag-ready. Akala ko madidisappoint ko din siya.
Napagdesisyunan kong 'wag ko muna itong sabihin kay Rico, siguro some other time. She agreed with that. Yes told me to wash my face before we go out of the bathroom.
Nang matapos maghilamos ng at lagyan ng kaunting powder ang mukha ay sabay kaming lumabas nang comfort room. He didn't throw me such questions regarding what had happened, he just gave me smile.
We just walked out of the school talking some things. Yesenia didn't open the topic about what we talked about and Rico didn't even bother to ask me. I'll tell him naman sa susunod, pahuhupain ko lang muna ang emosyon ko.
Paglabas ng gate ay namataan ko ang pamilyar na Audi ni Kuya.
“Andiyan na pala Kuya mo.” Rico pointed Kuya's car. I bid them my goodbyes and start walking towards Kuya. I opened the door and entered the car.
“Bakit ang tagal mo yata?” Kuya asked as he started the engine.
“Kinausap pa ako ng teacher,” sagot ko na lamang. Hindi na muli pa nagtanong si Kuya at nagsimula nang magdrive pauwi.
Parang ang bilis nang biyahe namin at ayaw ko noon. Halos maghurumentado ang puso ko sa kaba ngunit hindi ako nagpahalata kay Kuya. Should I practice what I'm going to say to Lolo? Well kahit naman mag-practice ako nang sasabibin ay isa lang din ang patutunguhan noon.
Naging maiksi lang ang biyahe pauwi dahil na rin sa maluwag ang daan. Kuya parked his car at bumaba, sumunod naman ako rito. The maids greeted us.
“Good evening, señorita. Good evening señorito.” Ate Mia bowed her head as she greeted us, I smiled at her.
“Na-late 'ho ata kayong dalawa ng Kuya mo nang uwi. Ang bilin ni Don Antonio ay dumeretso na kayo sa hapagkainan at naghihintay sila,” sabi pa nito. Sinunod namin ang sinabi ni Ate Mia at dumeretso na nga agad sa dining hall kung saan kumpleto na sila at kaming dalawa na nga lang ni Kuya ang hinihintay. Hindi na kami nakapagpalit ni Kuya ng damit at umupo na sa puwesto.
“Why are you late?” Lolo asked as the maids started to serve us dinner.
Kuya looked at him and decided to answer his question, for me. Ako naman ang rason kung bakit kami late.
“Ximena got called by the teacher, that's why.” Kuya shrugged his shoulder at nagsimulang sumubo ng pagkain. Lolo looked at my direction and arches his brow.
“Bakit ka napatawag?” He asked. Heto na siguro ang ayaw kong mangyari na sitwasyon.
“M-my teacher had something to tell me po kasi,” I stuttered. Hindi sumagot si Lolo ngunit hindi rin niya pinuputol ang tingin sa 'kin. Parang hindi siya kuntento sa sagot ko.
I cleared my throat first and sighed as I gather all my remaining strength to say this news to them.
“Hindi na po ako kasali sa culmination.” And there I said, isang bagsakan. Napayuko ako nang sinabi ko iyon, purposely avoiding Lolo's gaze that would eventually turned into disappointing one.
Tanging tunog lang ng pagtama ng kubyertos sa pinggan ang maririnig sa loob ng hapag. Wala silang sinabi sa akin, parang nagpaoakiramdaman lang lahat.
“Ibig mo bang sabihin na si Santiago lang ang makakalaban?” I nodded my head as an answer.
He puffed after drinking his glass of water.
“Ni hindi ka man lang pumutresta, Ximena?” tanong pa nito. Nanatili lang ako tahimik at man lang makaimik habang patuloy lang siya sa pagbato ng mga tanong.
“Bakit hindi mo man lang ginalingan?” Lolo continuously throws me such questions. Like, bakit hindi ako kasing talino man lang ni Santi? Bakit hindi ko siya maangatan? At kung ano pang masasakit na tanong na hindi ko rin mahanap-hanap ang tamang sagot.
I'm sorry if I'm just like this and not like Santi.
“'Pa, that's enough. Nasa hapag po tayo.” Daddy hold Lolo's hand as he said those words making my Lolo stop his litany. I heard them sighed.
We just continue our dinner like nothing like that happened.