***
Four excruciating days had passed but our everyday scenario didn’t get any better. Toshiro is avoiding me still and it’s still me and Keita who’re always together (rather Keita would always accompany me). I came to notice that in the morning, when I just arrived at school, Keita was with Toshiro and Fumihiro but when he saw me enter the room he would instantly come to me and sit with me during the lectures.
Somehow, I’m relieved that Keita is still on good terms with them.
I was still sending messages to Toshiro on Messenger, asking about his day and the usual stuff we would always talk about, but as always I was always left on read. The only thing that I’m happy about is that he hasn’t blocked me yet. And I hope he won't.
“I really want to talk to him. But I don’t want to scare him more than I already did if I just suddenly approach him and push my feelings onto him. I want to give him time to calm down, to think, to forgive me but… somehow I am getting a bit impatient. I’m scared my grim thoughts will eat my resolution and convince myself that this isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to give up on him but I don’t want to hurt him too.”
“Hmmm?” Keita pressed his lips together as he thought. “What should I try to talk to him about?”
“Is that okay?”
“Well, it’s fine with me but I can’t guarantee that I can convince Toshiro.”
“I know…” I unconsciously rubbed the back of my neck.
“Okay. I will try my best, Misao.”
That was my conversation with Keita yesterday that led me to this situation.
Toshiro is sitting a few inches from where I am sitting, uncomfortable and awkward but no sign of anger or hatred at the very least. That made me glad to be honest. I’m trying to collect my thoughts and carefully consider the words I’ll say so as not to ruin this chance. He’s willing to listen to what I have to say even though it’s been days since he’s ignoring me.
“What is it that you want to tell me, Misao?” He asked the second time.
I took a lungful of air bracing myself then let it out all at once. “I’m sorry Toshiro for telling you my feelings at that time. I figured it wasn’t the right time and I was just caught up in the moment. Sorry for ruining your birthday. But… I never regret saying it. I wanted to tell you about my feelings for a long time but I can’t muster my courage to say anything because I know this is what’s going to happen.”
“So, you already expected this to happen then why did you still do it?” He said as he turned to face me.
I stared at his eyes hoping he’ll see how much I like him but I can’t help but exhale a short laugh. “I am just an idiot who got jealous of Youjin and Keita’s courage.”
“Youjin and Keita?”
“I thought I saw my past self in them and I thought they’ll somehow end up just like me, but no, they pushed past all their fears and ‘what ifs’ to chase what they really want, who they really are, and the things I never did and still afraid to do until now. I really love you Toshiro and I don’t want this love to end like what I had in the past. I really want to treasure you and protect you and your happiness.”
I heard Toshiro heave a deep sigh. “Misao, I truly appreciate your feelings for me… but let’s not forget the fact that I’m also a guy.”
“Falling in love with a woman, falling in love with a man, what’s the difference? It’s still the same feeling of love that I want to treasure, right?”
He fell silent for God knows how long. I may seem calm and composed on the outside but my body was actually trembling. The silence, his breathing, the sound of my heart pounding against my chest were coming at me all at once it’s making me dizzy.
“What do you want me to do, Misao? No matter how much I think about it, I don’t think I can return your feelings.”
“Nothing. You don’t have to do anything, Toshiro. Just stay who you are.” I felt so relieved at this moment, I could give him a gentle and sincere smile. “I won’t force you to accept me, I just want to show you how special and important you are to me.”
He awkwardly scratched the corner of his eyebrow, “If you put it that way… then I guess its fine.”
“So, can we still be friends?”
“Stupid! Who said we’re F.O?!” He finally laughed. My heart is in pure bliss.
“F.O?”
“Friendship Over, caveman!”
It seemed like the awkwardness and suffocating tension between Toshiro and me suddenly vanished. He was giggling so carefree in front of me and it made me realize that I was not the only one relieved by this conversation. Even Toshiro.
“But I will be extremely happy if you come to love me someday, Toshiro.” I suggested.
He abruptly stopped from his laughter to give me a humourless smile. “Stupid!”
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