Going home? More like I wandered around with nowhere to go and my mind is blank.
I never knew that the riverside is this tranquil and calm especially the mangroves. Hindi naman ako lumayo, it’s just by the riverside, also a walking distance from our house.
I ventured through the lot that I have been curious since, there are a few houses on the way but the exact place is silent. I just wanted to be alone for some reason and clear my mind.
My reflection looks funny on the surface of the water as I stood beside it. Amoy na amoy ang putik sa buong paligid. The water on the other hand is restless dahil sa mga isdang palangoy langoy.
It’s mesmerizing and at the same time relaxing. I squatted and picked up some pebbles and chips of branches I could find to throw in the water. Each time they hit the surface, the fishes fight for it until they realize that it’s just garbage.
I may be losing my mind. I found that senseless thing funny. “Imagine fighting for something with all your might only to find out in the end that it’s all for nothing”.
Kitang kita din sa kinauupuan ko yung tulay papunta sa Macopa, sa kabilang barangay. Students can be seen walking home; some has a smile while some can be seen with signs of fatigue.
Sa likod nila, a bit hard to look at but it’s the beautiful sight of the setting sun. Umupo lang ako doon sa lilim ng mga bakawan. I did not even noticed the time passing by and by the time I got back to my senses, medyo madilim na.
“Saan ka galing?”, narinig kong sabi ni papa pagpihit ko palang ng doorknob. I went in without a word, alam ko na kung saan ang punta nito.
“Tinatanong kita kung saan ka galing, bakit ka nagabihan”
I sighed. “Diyan lang sa tabi tabi nagbarbeque”, sagot ko habang tinitignan siya sa mata. Pag mas umiwas ka ng tingin mas mahahalatang nagsisinungaling ka.
“Talaga ba? When did you even learn how to lie while keeping a straight face? Pano magkakaputik yang sapatos mo kung sa barbequehan ka nagpunta? Don’t mistake me for a fool”
Napabuntong hininga ako.
“Wag mo ko mapagbuntuhan ng hininga ha, kinakausap kita ng maayos”
Scam, sumisigaw ka na nga maayos pa ba yan, at masama na ba huminga ngayon?, I thought to myself.
“Basta diyan lang po ako galing”, medyo nalakasan kong sagot. I just felt my left cheek burning after that.
“Baka mamaya mababalitaan ko nalang may nabuntis ka na diyan o baka nag aadik ka, magsimula ka nang mag impake kung ganiyan din lang, I don’t plan on raising such kind of a son”. That scratched my throat too much I could cough.
I indeed could not contain that cough. “Mag adik? Seryoso ka ba Pa? sa itsura kong ito, yan pa itatanong mo? Ni gumala hindi ko magawa, yang ganiyang klase pa kaya ng mga gawain?”
I looked at him straight in the eyes again, this time with more focus and emotion. He on the other hand is also staring back at me as if I angered a God.
“Kailan ka pa natutunong sumagot ng pabalang, mahiya ka naman sa Nanay mo, magulang mo kami”, that one came with another slap.
I could not answer any further, not when my mother would be tangled into this nonsense.
I walked pass him, dumeretso ako ng kuwarto at nilock yung pinto. It’s another feeling I can’t explain. I never answered to him like that before, hindi ko alam kung ano ba tong nararamdaman ko.
These emotions I can’t explain, has it always been here? Did I just ran from it from all those years and now they are overflowing my flood gate? Kung ganoon nga, parang babaha at malulunod na ako.
Itutulog ko nalang ito in hopes that it’s not here tomorrow and everything will be fine.
I woke up the next day from my usual alarm clock, ringing on top of its metal gears eager to wake me up. The moment I opened my eyes, hunger was my first concern. I sat and rubbed my eyes then saw my reflection from the mirror opposite my bed.
I’m still on my uniform, blazer, next tie, socks, and all.
Nagpalit muna ako ng damit bago lumabas. Yawning as I entered the comfort room, naalala ko kung anong araw ngayon. Sabado na at malamang nandiyan na si manang Trina.
The toothpaste tube looked even worse than its crumpled state, kahit anong piga ko unti nalang talaga yung lumabas, I continued brushing my teeth looking intently in the mirror as I gargled the bubbles out.
I doubted my eyes for a second there, tumayo lahat ng balahibo ko at napalundag ako palayo sa salamin. Black, it looked like a humanoid entity as tall as me, its hands are over my shoulder, and he’s smiling as I met its dark deep void like eyes.
Kinusot ko ulit ang mga mata ko at naghilamos, pag tingin ko ulit sa salamin ay wala na siya. “Nagugutom na talaga ako”, kung ano anong nang nakikita ko plus baka dahil na din ito sa stress.
Luckily there are slices of bread and fried eggs already prepared on the kitchen table. Pagkatapos ko uminom, pumunta na ako sa likod, andon na nga si manang Trina at naglalaba na.
“Nak wala pa yung isang pares ng uniform mo dito, ipunta mo na dito para matapos ko nang labhan”, sabi niya kahit sumisilip palang ako sa pinto.
I just nod nagkamot ng ulo bago ako bumalik sa kuwarto ko.
The sound of the washing machine is what gave life to the whole house at kahit anong ikot ko mukang wala si papa. Ramdam ko pa rin yung bigat ng kamay niya,
I’m angry, the way he sticks to what he want to believe and his refusal to understand thing on the others view infuriates me, but still, mas mabigat pa rin yung hindi ko mapaliwanag na feeling. I did not forgive him, curious lang ako kung nasaan siya.
“Manang, saan po pumunta si papa?”, tanong ko habang inaabot yung uniporme ko.
“May pupuntahan daw siya, hindi ko nga lang alam kung saan”, she took the clothes, set it aside and continued washing the others.
“Pinapasabi pala niyang wag ka daw lalabas ng bahay”, tawag niya sakin, aalis na sana ako.
“Bakit daw po?”
“Ay, hindi ko alam, ikaw ba ano bang ginawa mo?”
“Wala naman akong ginawa, medyo nagabihan lang po ako umuwi”, paliwanag ko.
“Baka nag alala lang sayo”, napatigil ako sa sinabi niya, not because she has a point but because it sounded funny.
I stepped inside the house. “Baka nga po”
Pag aalala my ass, hanapin mo manang Trina yung pag aalala sa mga sampal na iyon.
Grounding me could not be even called a punishment. I don’t go out if there’s no group project and no one will invite me to go out anyway. All of them will be having fun and I’ll just be watching their Facebook stories on this narrow screen of my phone.
I once deleted Facebook and only downloaded it back for updates on the school page and group chats. I have no intention of using it in the first place and look at what it gave me. Each smile, each get together, and each photo, they are just contributing to this heavy feeling on my shoulders.