𝗔𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻, 𝗜 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁.
It was my last year in school. And I am really looking forward to it ending since I do not want to see Ryan any longer. I do not want to remember those embarrassing confessions. I was relieved when he acted like that confession never happened. It hurts. But it was worth it. I was beginning to lose faith in "finding love". Being rejected is really painful, and it was hard to move forward. although I did not cry for being rejected. It still hurts as much as losing my first love. It was hard to explain. I still do not understand what exactly love should feel like.
"𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿. 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹, 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲."
When our homeroom teacher announced that, I was really surprised to see him, I was embarrassed. He was the boy I used to bully back in elementary school. I remember him really well. When our eyes met, he turned his gaze away really fast. I am sure that he hates me. This is SO humiliating. I bet he is going to tell everyone what I did to him back then. Oh my gosh. I feel so ashamed of myself now for being a girl who bullied a boy. But I had my reasons! We were both bullying each other. Yes. That is what happened back then. I think...
Back in elementary school, I was more of an adventurous child. I was SO LOUD. I love playing catch. I love moving around. I am literally screaming as I speak. It is so embarrassing when I think about it now. I wonder how my friends could tolerate me. Okay, so I was the LEADER in our little group of four girls. I still do not know to this day, why am I the leader but I just know it since my friends listen to what I tell them? I was the one controlling them. I feel so scared of the old me. She is so embarrassing. Oh my gosh.
And what's Frederick got to do with my elementary glory days? Well, he was there. We went to the same school. He was in the boys' group I, or my little old self, had always been arguing or in a fight with.
Frederick Ashton.
He was more of an introvert. He never really talks back. Or fight back....Oh my god, I am so sorry for hitting him. I was always the one hitting him. It's extremely humiliating I could remember the sound until this day. I really hate how I behaved back then. I want to bury myself; the embarrassment is killing me.
So yes, I used to go around hitting boys back in elementary school. And Frederick was one of my victims. Since he spends time together with the boys, who always annoy me.
I seriously cannot understand why I did that.
He was the sweetest boy I ever knew.
I felt so humiliated when I saw him. Those memories came flashing back as I looked at him. I wanted to forget, but it was too shameful to forget. And what I meant when I said WE were both bullying each other was that whenever he saw me, he would make fun of me. He will always be like
"𝗘𝘄𝘄𝘄𝘄𝘄."
Well, that is enough to make me hit him, was what my younger self might have said.... And our quarrelling continued until we graduated from elementary school. After that, we were both in different classes, and I never really saw him that much. And, of course, I changed.
School life in elementary school was SO much fun that I was shocked to experience school life after that. It makes me crazy how I need to get a good grade to survive, to ensure that I do not become an outcast. It was really hard to survive as a middle school student. I am just lucky that I am good at sports. And that somehow gave me a special privilege to be liked by everyone.
Well, that is that. Back to the present
I did notice one thing that changed Frederick. He seems somewhat "scared" of girls. It seems like I was the one who gave him that trauma.
"𝗜𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗼𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗵𝗶𝗺, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝘀 𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝗮𝘀 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝗿𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗶𝗺. 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘀𝗼 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝗴𝗮𝘆."
I often hear the girls saying that about Frederick. Somehow, I feel at fault for that.
Since he moved to our class, he has ALWAYS been hanging out with the boys ONLY. He never had any conversation with the girls unless it was related to class. It was shocking to see that. I was ashamed of what I did to him. I think he did notice me staring at him. I have been doing that for a while now. I was just wondering... Did he really hate being touched by a girl?
When he caught me staring, he just stared back as his eyes challenged me. I was confused at first because he used to be so shy. He used to be the one who would be embarrassed when others looked at him. He looks so different from before...
"𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆? 𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴?"
I was surprised when he stood next to me. Asking that question. That was the first time I witnessed him doing that. Looking at him now, I am overwhelmed. He really is tall. He used to be smaller than me. I was shocked to see how much he had grown. He looks so different from when he was in elementary school.
"𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗽𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
When I said that, he laughed at my response and started to walk away. Wow. I am really curious about him now. I wonder what changed him.
So drastically