The next day, he moved away. His friends told me that he went back to his hometown. His father has been sick for the past few weeks, which is why he has been absent. He was taking care of his sickly father until recently, when his father died. The thing with Amanda's was also a lie. Amanda did that because Freddie had rejected her before. She wanted to ruin his relationship. His mother wanted them to move back to their hometown after his father's death, saying that this place would only hurt them if they continued to stay. My entire world stopped when I found out about it.
He is gone now, away from my life.
I feel disgusted with myself.
for not believing in him.
for saying hurtful words to him.
for breaking his heart...
I am sorry.
"𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
It was the first time I said those words to him. And he was not there to hear it.
I am sorry for not believing in you.
I was a moron.
I was jealous.
I am sorry for everything.
I wanted to tell him all that, but I can't seem to call or even text him. His friends told me that he changes his number. He does not even let his friends know about his new number. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I do not know how I should apologise to him. It hurt me so much just thinking about everything that he had been through. He never tells me anything. And I just assumed all those rumours about him were true because he was slowly disappearing from my life.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴."
Losing him breaks me. Although I never expected to feel like this. It was painful.
I miss him.
His smiles
His jokes
I miss his laughter, spending time with him.
I miss him so much it hurts.
I still remember our first date. We went hiking. It was so tiring but also really fun since I got to spend time with him. Seeing him laughing and smiling gives me the courage to take another step forward.
"𝗪𝗲'𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲. 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆, 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱."
He used to say those words to me. Smiling. He used to be happy. We used to be happy. We started as friends and became more than that, but in the end, we will not be able to go back to being friends. Honestly, I never expected to see him again. But after two months, I saw him at the school. He looks happier. His smiles are still the same. He looks livelier. Someone told me that he was getting his old documents for transferring schools.
I am glad.
At least he is not dropping out of school.
I wanted to meet him. I wanted to say hi.
But I was too scared to even say hello.
I cannot do it.
"𝗜 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂."
Seeing him and hearing him say that made me want to cry.
He should be mad at me.
He should be angry.
Why are you doing that?
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻."
Please stop it.
You should not say that.
I do not deserve it.
We both stayed silent as he stood next to me, not saying anything after that. I was too stunned to even say anything. The only thing that was on my mind was to run away from him.
"𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲? 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝗺𝗲?"
He sounded hurt, and it hurts me too.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝗼𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴."
I was relieved when I finally said those words. He looks calm. He was even smiling.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗱."
I never really understood what he meant by that, but at least we are okay now.... I think.
It was awkward.
Because I never EVER expected to meet him again after saying those hurtful words to him. But here we are now.
"𝗜'𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘄, 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲. 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗜 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘃𝗲. 𝗜'𝗺 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵."
I know I should have said something, but words do not want to come out. I do not know how to feel. A part of me does not want him to leave. But I also want him to leave. I was confused with myself.
Why are you being so difficult?
"𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼𝗼."
He had the biggest smile on his face when he heard those words. The words that he had been wanting to hear since we became a couple. The words that I never had the courage to say back to him, he seems relieved now. I did too. He looks like a little kid, waving at me as he walks to his mother's car. Yelling inaudible words that I never get to know. To this day, I am still curious as to what he said to me back then.
He used to be my happy memory. But he is no longer part of those memories. I never really understood what "love" really is. But being with him taught me so much. He was perfectly imperfect in his own ways, and I really am grateful to have him in my life. Although, what we had was only temporary. He made me feel loved. He was my first in everything, but he was never my end.
"𝗜 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂."