Minsan siyang ngumiti ngunit taliwas ang sinasabi ng mga mata niya. Malungkot ang mga ito. "I let her go even though I'm hurting so badly. So...badly. I chose Scott for our friendship over the affection I felt for Cassidy."
It hurts. Choosing is one of the hardest things to do especially it matters to you.
"Huwag mo nang pigilan ang mga luha ko. Mas mainam ng pakawalan mo na. You know, to lessen the pain." I said with sincerity.
"I'm not gay to cry," He said in amusement but I contradict. "Do you think, mababawasan ang pagkalalaki mo kung iiyak ka? We are both humans. Ang pinagkaiba lang natin...babae ako at lalaki ka. We both have emotions...we both need to cry."
Kunwari ay umirap ako sa kaniya. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin na may ngisi sa kaniyang labi. Seems he looked surprised sa mga pinagsasabi ko. Parang tanga. "People cry not because we are weak. We cry because we are strong enough to face it. Hindi 'yung gay kana kapag umiyak ka," I giggled trying to lighten up the atmosphere.
Why is he even thinking that he is gay if umiyak siya? Kaya siguro natatakot siyang umiyak dahil mind-set niya...na ang pag-iyak ng isang lalaki ay isang gay. "How do you feel...kapag nakikita mo sila together?" I was trying to push some inappropriate questions on purpose. Para masaktan at maiyak na talaga siya.
He chuckled bitterly. "Masaya na masakit. Masaya...dahil masaya akong nakikita siyang masaya ngunit sa iba nga lang...wala naman akong magawa kaibigan ko ang gusto niya. Habang nakikita ko siyang masaya sa iba masakit. But then I will be happy for her."
"We can't teach our hearts kung sino man ang gugustuhin nito. We can't stop the bleeding." sabi ko pa. "You let her go, right?" He nodded.
"Learn to move on. But I know naman na hindi madali ang mag-move on. Don't drown yourself that much. Moving on...two words and eight letters. But it is really hard to do...so just take it slowly. Don't rush it. You'll be fine."
"Wow! Coming from you," tumawa siya kasabay ng pagtulo ng isang patak ng luha at agaran niyang pinalis. I don't know where my words came from bigla nalang lumabas sa aking bibig. Somewhat, because of books. That's why I love reading...it gives me mind-blowing thoughts.
"There! You cried," I cheered heartily. Pinanood ko ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya. Ngunit kaagad niyang pinupunas. "I didn't," he jerked.
"You did...you already did, Xanthus," I gave him a thumbs-up as I smiled. Nasilayan ko ang paglagok niya ng diretso sa iniinom niyang alak. Tuluyan nang bumuhos ang kaniyang mga luha. Nang maubos ay muli niyang linagyan ang baso niya. He cried...but it was very silent. Seemed he can't bear the pain he felt. I feel pity for him. That pain is unbearable.
"Cheers...for moving on!" Xanthus raised his glass as I grabbed mine. "For Xanthus moving on!" We both sipped on our drinks and laughed.
I'm happy to see him with a smile on his face. Nakakagaan lang ng loob dahil kahit papaano ay nailabas niya ang bigat na nararamdaman niya. Hindi madaling itago sa sarili ang gaanong kabigat na bagay.
Some can deal with it by themselves but it's a different feeling when having someone to talk to. It is difficult to deal with an emotional state. Pain can be unbearable to the point that it stings deep into souls. It seems to have been shattered into small pieces that are vague to bring back on its original phase.
It heals the wounds but in a thousand years yet it will leave scars in hearts.
"Blair, I don't know how to say thank you to you. I never cry before but now I did...and I learned it from you," bakas sa kaniyang boses ang sinseridad. "You help me kanina...kaya it's my turn para tulungan ka," Ngiti kong sagot.
"But it's a different kind of help...I feel at ease. Medyo nakahinga ako ng maluwag at gumaan na rin ang pakiramdam ko," proud niya pang sabi. "No...you did it for yourself...tinulungan mo ang sarili mo...kaya be thankful to yourself instead,"
"Seryoso ka ba sa sinasabi mo?" pagbibiro niya na parang tanga at sinakyan ko naman ang trip niya. "Hindi siguro," pilosopo kong sagot. "Hindi kasi literal, crazy!" dagdag ko pa.
"Ba't ba kasi ako nakikipag-usap sa pilosopong nerd na 'to?" he whined as he rests his back at the backrest. "Whoo! Ba't ba ako nakikipag-usap sa broken-hearted na 'to?" I mocked but I changed the word 'pilosopong nerd' to 'broken-hearted' just to annoy him.
We both chuckled. Our first met was quite good. It's been an hour when we are sharing waves of laughter, cracking jokes, talking about nonsense kinds of stuff, of course, getting to know each other.
"Friends?" He offered. "Pagiisipan ko," I joked. "Ba't naman? Kailangan pa ba 'yon?" as he said I pursed my lips as I stared into his eyes.
"What?" nakakunot-noo siya at umiling ako. "Gusto lang kitang titigan." Humagalpak siya ng tawa kaya naman naningkit ang mga mata ko. "May nakakatawa ba, huh?" umirap ako. Ngunit nagawa niyang tumawa ulit.
"Let's go," Scott meddled. Kaya naman natigil si Xanthus sa pagtawa. Matalim ang tingin ni Scott sa kaniya. I stood up and ready to bid goodbye to Xanthus but for the last time. He stared at me, he smiled and mouthed. "Thank you,"