“When I grow up‚ I wanna be a doctor‚ ” he said to me while looking at those patients inside the hospital.
“Why? ”
“To heal those sick people. ”
“Hmm. Would you also find a cure for my disease? ” I asked him.
“Although your doctors said that it’s quite impossible to give you an holistic treatment but I’ll try my best to make a cure for you. You’ll live a hundred years with me. ”
“Hundred years lang? ”
“To infinity and what goes after it. ”
I smiled at him. I know we’re still young for this aspirations but the first step to reality is by dreaming. Dreaming of becoming a better individual in the near future. Established a good name in the industry. So on and so forth.
“Look at those leaves! They are falling too fast. ” he gestured those leaves falling from the branch of those lovely trees then will meet the ground afterwards.
“Ang ganda‚ hindi ba? ” nakangiti kong tanong sa kaniya.
“Yeah. Just like you. Tho sometimes I am wondering why leaves need to experience fall in order to grow again and become beautiful when it can just stay at the branch of the tree and gloom each day. ”
“You’ll never be beautiful not unless you took a glance to where you came from. Before trees could even grow tall‚ nagsimula muna siya sa ilalim ng lupa. I think trees are just showing gratitude to a land they came from by allowing their beauty meet the ground‚ their leaves. ” I answered him.
We love watching those leaves fall‚ specially when they hit our skin‚ and trip down on our hair. The flapping sound it creates whenever we stepped on it. We were too young to understand this thing. But the day I saw him on the lobby‚ crying like a child lost his lollipop‚ I couldn’t explain the pain on my chest. And the moment I saw him slowly losing the strand of his hair‚ I realized what autumn season is trying to convey: life’s fade swift as falling leaves.
“I can't find the words but sana sanayin mo ang sarili mo sa pagiging uncertain ng mundo. Not all the time I’m here for you. ”
“I know. But yeah‚ we’ll fight‚ right? ”
“We’re all leaving. Finding our ways toward something that’s meant for us. I want you to be courageous enough so when the time comes that I really need to say my goodbye‚ it won’t hurt that much. ”
I stared at him silently. This hurts a lot. But nothing surprises me anymore. The pain does not decrease just because paulit-ulit mong nararanasan. Nagiging manhid na yata ako sa bawat minutong nakikita kong nalalagasan ng hibla ang kaniyang buhok.
“Keanu‚ kung binigyan ka ng pagkakataon na hawakan ang panahon‚ would you go back in the past and change all those regrets or go to future to see what will you become? ” I asked him while looking outside this hospital building through windows. Malapit ng maubos ang dahon ng mga puno.
“Nothing. Mistakes are made to build the present you. And I don’t believe that it’s possible to even tap into future. ”
“So what will you do to your ability to hold time? ”
“I'd slow time so that I could spend more time with the people I love. But you know‚ time loses its value if it can be controlled. ”
“Yeah‚ natanong ko lang. ”
Like the usual story I've read when I was still a child‚ fairy tales doesn’t always end in happily ever after. Sabi ko na nga ba eh‚ after a long time of happiness‚ there's always be this sadness waiting for you to shatter your defenses so it can torn you to pieces more than you could ever imagine.
I wanna question this world for making me feel this way. For telling me I have to interact with people‚ but never warned me how devastating it could be. I wanna hate and curse them‚ but I hate myself even more for breaking my walls and leaving my door wide open‚ allowing them to enter my life then leave afterwards too.
“In order to build yourself‚ sometimes you must sacrifice someone else. ”
“And by that you mean? ” I asked.
“You also need to let go of someone. It will shatter your soul the first day you do it but little by little‚ mag-he-heal ka. ”
“Hmm? Ano bang pinagsasabi mo ha? ” unti-unting namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata.
“Been a while since I met you. But right now‚ it’s either you take grip on the string we both made‚ or I'll be the one who’ll cut the attachment string for you‚ for us‚ to move forward. ”
“Keanu naman‚ ano bang pinagsasabi mo? ”
“I told you last time that my life is a race‚ but last night revealed me a lot of realizations in life. I locked those doors‚ not to open them again so soon‚ but to create another doors for me. This life isn't a race at all‚ may sarili akong oras at kalsada‚ at ‘yong kalsada ko‚ papalayo yata sa iyo eh. ” he’s trying to hold his tears. Please‚ don’t do this to me.
“Are you really gonna do this to me? ”
“So it wouldn't be hard for you anymore once I fin’lly leave without coming back. I can't be with you on your lifetime. ”
“If you can’t be there for the rest of my life then allow me to spend mine for the rest of yours‚ please. ” I begged him.
“The first challenge we can both take is simply to begin without each other’s presence. Day one‚ I’m moving and one day‚ you to follow. Turn your back now. I don't wanna be the past that holds you back. ”
Together we watched the autumn season. And now I'm watching those trees have their leaves once again. Blooming after a one long summer. Yet this time‚ I am also watching you slowly leaving‚ little by little‚ turning into memories.
“Please fight for me‚ Keanu. ” I kneeled in front of him while holding his hand.
“Remember our favorite line from a song we used to hear the first time we met inside this hospital? ” I nodded at him. “Please don't be in love with someone else. ”
“I won't. Just please don’t leave me. Hindi ba sabi mo gagawan mo pa ng cure ang sakit ko? Please‚ we’re on this together. Don’t leave me hanging. ”
“This night is sparkling. Don't you let it go. ” he started singing.
“Keanu. ”
“This was the very first page‚ not where the story lines end. ” he continued.
“I w-was enchanted t-to meet you‚ ” I sing as tears stripped down my face.
“Excuse me‚ Ash. Dadalhin na si Keanu sa operating room. ” biglang sabi sa akin ng kaniyang nanay.
“Please‚ fight for me. ” I whispered before he entered that room of uncertainty.
After a few minutes may lumabas ng doctor sa operating room na agad namang sinalubong ni tita na sana hindi na lamang. Sana hindi ko na lamang narinig ang sinabi niya. Sana tumakbo na lamang ako. Akala ko ba hanggang dulo‚ bakit mo mas piniling mauna?
“I’m sorry‚ Mrs. Ellis‚ we did our very best to save your son. Deepest Condolences. ”
I ran fast as I could without even minding the tightness on my chest. This hurts‚ a lot. Sobra-sobra. Bakit sa ganitong paraan? Hindi sa ganito‚ Keanu. Hindi sa ganito ko nais tapusin ang pagmamahalang binuo natin simula ng magtapo tayo sa hospital na ito. You became a part of me. Funny how you made me feel love but worthless at the same time. And foolish am I to believe that you’ll stay with me for a lifetime.
“Meeting Keanu means allowing yourself to see him slowly vanishing too. ”
Those words are still fresh on my mind. We were still five when we first met here in the hospital that became our home now. Built all those dreams higher than the height of Mount Everest. You never told me that you'll let me reach those dreams while you’re reaching your way to heaven.
I know the risks of being attached with you. I ran all these scenarios in my head tho masakit pa rin pala talaga kapag kaharap mo na yung kamatayan haha. Most fairytales made us believe that happy ever after did exist. And I was a fooled victim. Believing that I could celebrate each day with someone I wanna be with till ash. When happily ever after is actually just a thought for those who can’t accept how tragic our life is because we’re all destined to death.
“Intersecting lines only meet at one point. We never wasted a once in a lifetime chance that we intersected. But yeah‚ look at us now‚ our lines turned parallel where we can never meet again. Not in this lifetime. ” I said my speech before having his body bury 5ft underground.
“Ang sakit‚ sobra-sobra. You’ve been there for me when I was still at 5 and now you were leaving without even allowing us to reach our legality. You asked me one time how can you even let go of someone that isn't yours in the first place‚ and look man‚ I got the answer now. It is not about the property or credentials‚ it is about the stories you wrote together. Letting go not solely means losing the grip‚ but closing the book. Our book ended the moment you closed your eyes without even turning your last gaze on me. ” I looked up into the sky. Kung nasaan ka man ngayon‚ sana tukain ka ng manok ni San Pedro.
“I can’t hate you‚ nonetheless I hate how you made me feel that I am one of your pages when you’re a whole book for me. I hope you know how badly it hurts to abandon someone‚ leaving them with no single trace but rather a thousand of questions in their mind‚ asking themselves if they done something wrong. ”
Tears start falling from eyes. My chest tightened. Strength slowly leaving my body. All I could feel is a thousand fireflies giving me a burning pain inside. It all turned into thunders and lightnings‚ offering me a muscle tremors in the stomach the same place you used to filled with butterflies before.
“I’ve always love you‚ Keanu. Even you chose to fight apart from me. I hope that our God could offer me a visiting hours so I could go to you and feel your warm embrace. Till our path cross again. ”
My eyes are swelling. As I opened my eyes‚ blue light approached me. Where am I?
“Are you okay? Kanina ka pa umiiyak tho I can't wake you up cause baka sumakit lang ang ulo. ” the guy beside me said.
“Raijhen? Nasaan ako? ”
“You passed out last night. Dala na rin siguro ng pagod. Inuwi muna kita rito sa bahay because I don't know where to take you. Don’t worry‚ it’s my sister room. You’ll be safe here. ”
Inilibot ko ang aking paningin. Pambabae nga ang kwartong ito. Muli akong humarap sa lalaking kausap ko. I don't know what exactly happend last night to trigger my past memories but yeah‚ those scenarios are still fresh on my mind.
A kind of traumas no one would ever want to appear on their dreams. But this reality offers me worst nightmares already‚ cause in this life‚ my childhood friend is still nowhere.
Keanu is still lying below the Earth’s surface.