After a long conversation with her‚ we parted ways. Although magpinsan kami but hindi kami iisa lamang ng location ng tinitirhan. Kung ako lamang ang tatanungin‚ mas gugustuhin ko munang mag-stay kahit mga ilang minuto pa sa school tapos uuwi na lamang ng bahay kapag alam kong tulog na ang mga tao na nakatira rito.
As soon as I entered our main door‚ cold breeze of June approached me. Oo‚ cold breeze kahit tag-araw parin ngayon. Their gazes are on me‚ as if someone has mistakenly enter a wrong room. As if I am a marauder trying to stole something in my own stupid house. Or should I say‚ belong ba ako sa bahay na ito?
“What time it is? ” asked by my older sister na tila nakalimutan ng may malaki kaming orasan sa harap lamang niya. Or she forgot already how to read those hands of clock revolving fast as rapid speed of the car a while ago in the street? What’s the connection between speed and clock? Wala. Isiningit ko lang.
Tinignan ko na lamang ang aking relo at muling ibinaling ang mga mata sa kaniya. Pinagtaasan niya naman ako ng kilay. Akala mo naman totoo eyebrows na ‘to pshh.
“Seven post meridiem‚ ” walang gana kong sagot sa tanong niya.
“Yeah‚ seven pm pero ngayon ka lang umuwi. Saan ka na naman galing ha? ” sigaw naman sa akin ng aking mabuting kuya.
“Buti nga umuwi pa ako haha‚ ” pabulong kong sabi.
“Elle‚ we’re talking to you properly. ” kailan pa nabago ang definition ng properly sa dictionary? If this defined properly to them‚ then so disrespectful na pagtataasan nila ako ng boses.
“Hmm yeah? May sasabihin ka pa ba? ”
“Nakipaglandian ka na naman ba? ” my sister asked.
“Any evidences? ”
“Huwag mo akong bastusin! Wala ka nang galang! ” pero sinisigawan mo ako? Haha.
“Am not. Am asking for evidences so I can testify whether your accusations is true or just an allegations like you usually do. ” wala paring ganang sabi ko sa kaniya.
“Napakabastos mo‚ ” sabi sa akin ni Kuya.
“You're a lawyer‚ aren’t you? You know how worst it is to accuse someone without any evidences.”
“Base on your actions‚ Cassandra claim againts you is true. Because if not‚ you weren’t defending yourself in the first place.”
“Well then‚ brother. You are not an effective lawyer base on your actions to—”
Isang malakas na sampal ang dumampi sa mukha ko bago ko pa matapos ang aking sasabihin. Great‚ look at this oldies trying to discipline me but they don't even know what discipline in the first place.
“Wala ka nang respeto! ” sigaw niya sa akin.
“Thaniel‚ tama na iyan! ” Sigaw ni ate sa kaniya.
‘Don't save me from this pain when you were the one who fuel this argument‚ Ate. Don't act as if you're a saint when deep within you‚ you really despise me. ’ sabi ko sa aking utak. Totoo naman haha.
“Ironic‚ isn't it? How you demand for respect without even paying anything rather than being ruthless. ” sagot ko pa rin sa kaniya. Isa pang sampal ang dumapo sa aking mukha galing naman sa aking—
“Mom‚ ” sabi ko bago inuyuko ang aking ulo bago pa man tumulo ang aking luha. To all the pains I've ever receive‚ one that is coming from mother hits different.
“Sinasagot-sagot mo na ang mga kapatid mo. Ganiyan ba ang natutunan mo sa school‚ ha?! ” sigaw niya sa akin.
“I believe attitude is being adopt from the person you used to be with the first time you open your eyes in the morning and the last time you close it in the evening. Please excuse me. ” sabi ko at tumalikod sa kanila.
“Saan ka pupunta. Nag-uusap pa tayo‚ ” sigaw pa nila sa akin. Anong pang dapat pag-usapan? Kung gaano ako kawalang-galang? Totoo naman pero kasi‚ hindi naman kayo deserving ng respeto ko eh. We might share the same blood‚ wait‚ you didn't even considered me came from your bloods and flesh. Funny.
“Papakamatay‚ ” bulong ko bago tuluyang lisanin ang bahay. I need to spend another night away from this house but don’t feel like a home to me.
I tried calling French but she’s out of reached. I don’t know‚ baka tulog na ito or busy sa school works. She used to turn off her phone once started studying or before going to bed para raw iwas distraction. I have nothing in me right now‚ well‚ mayroon naman tho am saving money. Shesssh‚ mag-wa-walk out na lang nga sa labas pa ng bahay‚ p'wede namang papasok nalang ng kwarto.
“It’s late already. Are you not going home? ” said RJ who happened to walk across this street tonight.
“Oh‚ it’s you. I’m homeless eh‚ ” walang gana kong sagot sa kaniya. Totoo naman. He just raised his brows at me. Bahala ka kung maniniwala ka or not‚ wala namang mawawala sa akin.
“Hmm. You should go home now. Baka hinahanap ka na ng fam mo. ”
“I’ll bet my life. They won't find me. ” sagot ko at umupo sa street bench na nadaanan namin. Umupo rin naman siya‚ about 2 meters away from me. Yeah‚ you should know how to keep your distance.
“May problema ba? ” tanong niya sa akin.
“Hindi naman ako nawala nun. Gusto mo maki-share? ” pabiro kong tanong sa kaniya.
“Yeah. Share it to me para mabawasan burden mo‚ ” sagot niya. Seryoso ba ito? “C’mon‚ you can trust a stranger ‘cause they won't judge you nor use those words againts you kasi para saan naman ‘di ba? Hindi naman kita kilala. ” paliwanag niya pa. Huminga naman ako ng malalim bago tinitigan ang aking mga paa.
“Ano nga ba ang problema ko? ”
“Hmm?”
“A lot of questions in my mind right now. I don't know what to entertain first‚ ” sagot ko na lamang sa kaniya at pinagsaklop ang aking mga kamay. Lumalamig na. Ang ikli pa naman ng skirt namin. Buti na lang may kasamang coat yung uniform.
“Weigh it. Kung ano yung mas matimbang‚ say it. Para mas malaki yung bawas sa bigat na dinadala mo ngayon. ”
“Is it really require for us to do our best just to be enough? The fuck—I mean‚ the fact that it is actually draining us? ”
“Whether you give your best or your worst‚ depende pa rin iyon sa kung kaninong tao mo ibibigay. Some are just having a high expectations na minsan ang hirap na talagang abutin. ”
“Yeah haha. ”
“But in my own perception‚ humans are always enough yet at the same time of it‚ humans aren’t contented. Kaya yung pagiging enough natin‚ minsan nonsense nalang din. Tho‚ medyo magulo ito pero unawain mo na lang‚ considered that we are enough but actually‚ we are not that absolutely enough. I mean‚ there’s always this missing piece that we can’t find on ourselves so we tend to interact with others. Take for example‚ our family. ”
“Kaya pala kulang na kulang ako. ” sagot ko hanggang sa unti-unting tumulo ang masaganang luha sa aking mga mata na kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Ang sakit lang sa loob ko.
“Speak yourself. I’m listening. ”
“I’ve never been so full of myself. Laging may nawawalang bahagi sa akin. At ‘yong kakulangan na iyon‚ sa pamilya ko nais matagpuan pero ang hirap pala hanapin. Ang hirap ipunin. Nakabibwisit haha. ”
“You were draining. Don’t try to look for something that one can't offer you wholeheartedly‚ ” sana nga ganoon lang kadali haha.
“To lose is to gain. I’m willing to lose everything I have just to gain atleast a little love from them. But the more am losing myself‚ the more pressure it become. Problems arise and I don’t know what to do anymore‚ ” I tweaked my hair. Trying to convert the pain on my chest to my head. Only if I can bump my head now cause nothing hurts more than having a heavy heart got from your own bloods.
“Ang insensitive nila masyado‚ kung ano-ano ang sinasabi lalo na kapag pumapalpak ako. Without even knowing that I exerted a lot of efforts to achieve something they want me to reach even I am incapable of in the very first place. ”
“You're hurting. Are you that martyr to still want them to give you what you think you deserve? ”
“I just want them to treat me imperfect. I am human afterall kahit pa nag-da-doubt ako sa pagiging tao ko haha cause most of the time they treat me like a robot as if I was made from alloy and nickel. I make mistakes. I am prone to it. ”
“Hmm. ”
“Pagod na pagod na ako‚ ” patuloy parin sa pagtulo ang aking mga luha. A moment from now‚ I can feel my body giving up.
“Rest then. Give yourself a break. ”
“And those peeps you are expecting to fuel your strength do the opposite like they were the one who’s digging a grave for you. Durog na ako but I have to act okay in front of you‚ in front of them‚ in front of everyone. I have to keep my composure when deep within me‚ I am falling into pieces. ”
“Enough. Your emotions are eating you now. Calm down yourself. ” awat niya sa akin ng patuloy kong sinabutan ang aking buhok.
“Eversince I was just an infant‚ I knew it. I knew how my own blood hates me. Mother told me a couple of times that I shouldn’t have live. That she should hadn't bare. Funny how my own blood despise me. ”
“Ash‚ ” he touched my face and made me look into his eyes. “I am here. ”
“Deserve ko ba ito? Great‚ why am I even complaining? I never do their will‚ not even reach half of their standards. Their definition of perfect really far away from mine. They want me to reach those without even realizing that they already have my wings cut a long time ago. ” pagpapatuloy ko.
“They called me selfish without even knowing that I attempted to took my life many times just to share no more burdens with them anymore. Was I really selfish all along? After I sacrificed my own happiness just to be the daughter and sibling they want me to be? I just got recovered from almost 2 weeks depression and now they're triggering it again for a shallow reason. Hindi nga nila alam na nagpapa-therapy ako eh. ”
“Can I hug you? ”
Without even saying a word‚ I just found myself locked in his embrace. I keep on crying there like an infant. Am tired already. Is it a sign that I am an actual living thing? To be this hurt? I don't feel like living at all but I am hovering between life and death right now. Imagine how fucked up my life is. Ash is perfect. She needs to be perfect. Ash is fine also because she needs to be fine. They say suffering is the root of happiness. If I'll only suffer this much‚ then I don't want to be happy anymore.
“Great things will come as long as you continue running. You’re nearer your finish line‚ all you need to do is to keep moving. I am at your disposal now. Come to me when you need someone to join you in your race. ” he said then caress my hair.
“Pagod na ako‚ mom. Gusto lang naman magpahinga ng anak ni'yo pero sa ibang pagpapahinga yata ang hahantungan ng katawan ko. ” I said before I even lost my consciousness.
Will everything still be fine for me?