“Huyyy‚ natahimik ka yata? ” kalabit sa akin ni French habang nakatingin ako sa kawalan.
“Wala‚ may iniisip lang‚ ” nakapangalumbaba kong sabi.
“Tungkol ba iyon sa kanina? Jusko‚ sis‚ masyadong maraming bagay ang magandang isipin‚ hindi iyang mga bagay na iyan. Swear‚ guguluhin lang niyan ang pag-iisip mo till mag-doubt ka na sa mga bagay na nasa paligid mo. ”
“But there’s always a grey part in life where found the benefits of the doubt. ”
“Heard that before. Sa Novel iyan‚ right? Yung sa detective chuchu? Forgot the title. Naniniwala ka pala roon? ” sabi niya habang kumakain ng pagkaing ewan ko kung saan niya nadampot. Kani-kanina lamang cellphone lang ang hawak na ‘to.
“Yes‚ of course. Doubts could somehow strengthen our shreds of evidence. ”
“But how? Eh doubt nga eh‚ paano ma-s-strength iyon. Kapag may doubt sa statement mo‚ ibig sabihin may mali kang process na nagawa‚ or some shits. You know what I mean. ”
“It will help you to seek or have a further study to get the precise information‚ an answer to things you found strange. ” Bumubuntong hininga kong sagot sa kaniya.
“In what way you are spending your sleepless nights? Doubting your life? This home of ours‚ the Earth? ”
“Not actually doubting life but questioning it. ”
“What’s the difference tho? ”
“I don’t know exactly what is life so I’m trying to question it first. Paano ako mag-da-doubt eh wala pa namang nakalatag na definition sa harap ko? ”
“And yet you still have the guts to question death when you don’t absolutely believe in life in the first place? ” nakakunot ang noong tanong niya sa akin.
“At some point‚ iniisip ko na baka patay na talaga tayo‚ ” sagot ko na lamang.
“Haaa? ” swear‚ kung nakikita mo ang mukha ni French ngayon‚ matatawa ka.
“In biology‚ there’s this thing called abiogenesis. It’s a life root from dead bodies or nonliving matter. ”
“Hmm‚ ‘di ba theory lang iyon? As far as I know‚ maraming studies ang nag-de-debunk sa theory na iyan. Historical demonstration and information about that phenomenon have often been shown to be false. Another thing‚ there’s no enough robust pieces of evidence na magpapatunay na totoo nga iyan. For me ha‚ na somehow na pag-aralan narin iyan‚ it fails the very part of being a theory in Science. ”
“And yet it is undeniable that there are really living things that are risen from the nonliving ones. ”
“Ewan ko sa iyo‚ kung gusto mo mabaliw agad nang maaga‚ p’wes ako‚ hindi. ” sagot niya na lamang at muling kumain. “Suggest ko sa iyo‚ feed your brain with foods‚ not with doubts. ”
“Isn't knowledge food for the brain? ”
“Yeah‚ but knowledge alone won't help you to be alive. ”
“Brain works bette—”
“Gasgas na iyan masyado sa akin‚ ” pagpuputol niya sa aking sasabihin. Ang bastos ha hahaha.
“Pero ikaw‚ what do you think about death? ”
“Death is the end of everything. A final fate of all cosmos. ”
“But‚ what if totoo nga yung abiogenesis theory? What if the lifeless one really has the capability to form life? Ibig sabihin after death‚ there could be life. ”
“So does it mean na we are one of the dead ones since we are raised from them? Does it mean also na we are not living at all? I mean‚ kung baga galing tayo sa patay‚ ibig sabihin patay na rin tayo but what makes us different is we can stay alive in death? ”
“Ha? ” ang gulo nun‚ swear haha.
“I mean‚ ikaw‚ kunwari galing ka sa magulang mo—”
“Galing talaga ako sa kanila. ”
“Oo nga‚ b’wisit naman‚ ” pikon niyang sabi haha. “Ibig sabihin may flesh and blood ka nila. Same goes for those cells na nabuhay out of the dead one. Ang point ko‚ what if galing nga tayo sa dead entity na tinutukoy mo‚ does it mean that we are dead already cause we carry a strain from them? ”
“Now‚ mas lalo akong nagalinlangan haha. ”
“Sinimulan mo iyan‚ nagtatanong lang ako. ”
What if? Guess really this world is full of uncertainty that everyone even the unreasonable man could doubt. Guess have to blame Bishop Berkeley on this matter. Oh great‚ hindi nga pala siya naniniwala sa matter haha. I also remembered this line from a book I read about philosophy‚ “Whatever can be thought of is an idea in the mind of the person thinking of it; therefore nothing can be thought of except ideas in minds; therefore anything else is inconceivable, and what is inconceivable cannot exist. ” Eversince I read those books‚ I started to doubt everything‚ even life itself. What if we are just an illusion in someone else’s mind? And that mind‚ is the mind of what they called Creator‚ that we are a part of his imagination he protrude into this world? Thus‚ this might answer that there’s no life nor death at all.
But‚ at some point‚ life could be true and I am a living proof. Everyone can observe and prove that I am true. Wait‚ am I really true? O baka—
“Sir Albert Einstein said that knowledge is dangerous. Stop‚ rest your mind. You shouldn't entertain those thoughts if it maximize the doubt and minimum the answer. Grade 12 palang tayo‚ hindi pa ako ganap na Psychology para maalalayan ka. ” Pamumutol ni French sa lumalalim kong pag-iisip.
“Wala lang‚ naisip ko lang haha. Sometimes‚ I wanna be an immortal to see how this universe die‚ and what exactly the final fate of all cosmos. ”
“Eh ‘di ba ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa discussion kanina? That the cosmos will not die rather end in an absolute zero temperature. ”
“Wala lang‚ naisip ko lang ulit. ”
“Is death really that bad? ” she asked me.
“What do you mean? ”
“As far as I observe‚ sa sobrang obsessed mo riyan‚ para ka ng ewan. But‚ if death is bad‚ do you think immortality will be a good thing? ”
“Whoever thought dead is a bad thing‚ I think immortality is what’s bad. Nothing good comes from things that doesn’t have a proper ending. ” I answered her.
“But what if there’s an absolute peace in immortality? ” she asked once again.
“Hmm? Only those who are perfect have the rights to wish for an absolute peace‚ so if you are not one of those‚ be satisfy on our imperfect peace. ”
“Hindi mo naman na-gets ang tanong ko eh. ”
“As long as one exists‚ hindi na talaga magkakaroon pa ng peace. So immortality that is not within the scope of our existence‚ maybe one that goes beyond time and space‚ nandoon ang absolute peace. ”
“Last question. ”
“Spill. ”
“When will you get enough of things? ”
“Hmm? ”
“You always seems not to trust everyone and everything around you because you are not contented to those things that are already serve in front of you that you tend to doubt and question and question‚ I don't know ha. No offense. ”
“None taken. Guess that’s where the benefits of doubting goes. ”
“Hayyss ewan ko sa iyo. Bahala ka. Basta tao ako‚ and you‚ I don’t know. ”
Is it bad to assume that not everyone around you says the truth? That everything you see might not what it appears‚ is not what it seems‚ so it only means of finding whether it’s part of the reality‚ or an idea only.
“Labas muna ako‚ ” paalam ko kay French.
“Saan punta mo? Hoy‚ kung magpapatiwakal ko to find out whether death and after life are true‚ jusko lang‚ dzai‚ kahit ako na lang muna kunsumehin mo‚ huwag na muna si San Pedro. ”
“As if sa langit ako mapupunta‚ ” ‘di nga ako sure kung totoo ba iyon.
“Tanga. Lahat naman tayo haharap sa kaniya para sa paglilitis edi ma-mi-meet mo rin doon si San Peter. ”
“So paano kapag absent si San Pedro‚ edi yung manok ang haharap sa atin? ”
“Takte. Mukhang hindi ka nga tatanggapin sa langit. ” Napahampas sa noo niya pang sabi na tila nasasagad na sa akin.
“Diyan lang ako sa labas. Wala akong balak magpakamatay. Hindi nga ako sure sa kamatayan‚ mamaya mabalian lang ako ng buto tapos hindi na ako makalakad ng ayos. Life’s like hell now‚ don’t wanna add another gas to fuel the flame and create a big fire for me. ”
“Samahan na kaya kita? ”
“Huwag na. There’s so much thoughts in my brain right now so I need to dropout some unnecessary things. I just want my thoughts to overflow in my mind without causing me colossal waves inside. Like those thought could run free but has no domino effects on me. Obviously I can’t do it here‚ so yeah‚ lalanghap lang ako ng sariwang hangin sa labas. ”
“Yeah‚ basta mag-iingat ka ha. Overthinking really defines you‚ hayyss. Pahingang mabuti. ” paalam niya sa akin bago ko nilisan ang aming room. Maglalakad-lakad na lang muna ako sa campus.
Been a while since I last stroll in this place. I don’t know what happened to me that I lose glance on nature I used to adore before. I remembered those young days I spent on playing on the grass‚ starring at the blue sky till it turn dark and became a starry night‚ waking up early to witness the sun and staying late to witness the sunset too.
Everything has changed now. I always wish for rains to come na naging buhay ko na ang pagiging malamlam ng araw. Baka nga hindi naman talaga makulimlim lately‚ nawala lang nga siguro yung will ko na bigyang pansin ang paligid.
Knowledge brought me here. Maybe tama nga si French‚ knowledge is dangerous. Everything around me lost its colors. All turned grey filled with doubts. I am an artist but I don’t even know how to put colors in my life right now. Hindi naman ako charcoal artist.
“Ang lalim‚ ” biglaang sabi ng nasa tabi ko‚ Raijhen.
“Hmm? ”
“Lalim ng paghinga mo. May problema ba? ”
“Is my life boring? ” I asked him.
“I don't know you personally but I’ll leave two questions for you to answer. ” here goes the question once again.
“What? ”
“Is your life boring? Or you made life boring? ”
“Ha?” ano raw?
“Anong kulay ng mundo mo ngayon? ” he suddenly asked.
“Grey. Is it bad? ”
“Not really but staying grey won’t make you good at all. ”
“Then what should I do? ”
“Mix colors like what artist do? Saw your artwork by the way nang maglibot ako kanina sa gallery nitong school. ”
“Does colors really matter? ”
“You could be black or white‚ could be blue or green‚ well actually‚ shades doesn’t matter at all as long as you know how to mix colors and create a wondrous arts out of those combination. ”
“Is it really necessarily to create art after you have combined all of your desired colors? ”
“Yes‚ it is required for you to use those colors and turn your art into a masterpiece. ” he said then turned his back. “You are an art also so turn your life into greatest masterpiece. ”